Changing your focus from a final product (which may be evaluated in terms of “perfection”) to the effort behind a task (which is harder to quantify as “perfect”) can help you appreciate your own good work.
Saying “I am such a failure” after getting fired from a job is inaccurate and unfair to you. Instead, make the useful comment, “I lost my job, but I can use this experience to find and keep a new job. ” Saying “I am so stupid” is also likely untrue and reductive. If you feel stupid, it’s more likely that you have a lack of knowledge about something. Instead, think, “I don’t know how to do this basic home maintenance. Perhaps I could take a class and learn to do this in the future. ”
For example, if you forgot to send an important work-related email, you may find yourself thinking “I am so stupid! How could I have done that?” Stop yourself, and think “I feel stupid right now because I forgot to send the email. When I would forget to do things as a child, my father would tell me that I was stupid. These are his words, not my own, in my head. ” Then think to yourself, “I am a competent employee who made a human mistake, and I will be sure to write myself a reminder in the future. For now, I will send the email along with an apology for not sending it before. ”
Make your list very specific. Instead of using general adjectives to describe yourself, try listing specific actions or attributes that describe who you are and what you do. For example, instead of simply saying “I am generous,” you can write “Any time I know that a friend is struggling, I give her a small, thoughtful gift to show that I care. This makes me generous. " As you read and reflect on your list, remember that each item on the list, however insignificant it may seem, is a reason that you are worthy of respect and love.
You may notice that negative comments from one particular person, such as your mom or your boss, set you off into a spiral of negativity. If this happens consistently, try to identify why this is. Decide how you will deal with negative thoughts you do have. You may need to give yourself a time-out to meditate or breathe. Acknowledge your feelings and reframe your negative reaction with positive reminders of your self-worth.
A therapist who is experienced with addressing painful pasts can help you navigate through the experience of recovery without causing you to relive painful experiences. [14] X Research source A therapist’s office can be a great place to learn to handle your negative thoughts productively and realize your positive qualities.
A good positive affirmation to promote self-love is: “I am a whole, worthy individual, and I respect, trust, and love myself. ” If you find that the affirmations are not helping on their own, try visiting a therapist and pursuing a multi-level treatment that includes other approaches as well.
Spend time alone doing activities you love, or take yourself on a fun outing such as going to the movies or even going out to eat, whether it be pizza or your favorite dessert. Don’t forget to take advantage of alone time and use it for pleasure!
Judgments of ourselves or others often causes misery in relationships with others or in our own minds. Learning to love without judgment is learning to love selflessly.
May I achieve my dreams and live in happiness and peace. May I love others with my whole heart. I wish for myself and my family to be protected from harm. I wish for a life of health for myself, my family, and my friends. May I learn to forgive myself and others.
Lack of self-love can lead to a harmful dependence on others for validation. [23] X Research source Wiltermuth SS1, Cohen TR2 (2014), “I’d only let you down”: Guilt Proneness and the Avoidance of Harmful Interdependence. Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, Nov;107(5):925-42 Relying on others for validation often leads people to set aside their own needs in order to gain others’ approval. Lack of self-love can also prevent emotional healing and progress; one study showed that individuals who engage in self-blame and ignoring themselves had poorer outcomes in psychotherapy. [24] X Research source Ryum T1, Vogel PA, Walderhaug EP, Stiles TC. (2105) The role of self-image as a predictor of psychotherapy outcome. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology Feb;56(1):62-8
Negative messages received in childhood—particularly recurring messages—often stick in an individual’s mind and color their self-perceptions later in life. For example, a child who is told that he/she is “dull” or “boring” will likely think that he/she is dull or boring as an adult, even if there is evidence to the contrary (such as having many friends, making people laugh, or living an interesting lifestyle). [26] X Research source Efficacy, Agency, and Self-Esteem. Kernis, Michael H. Springer Science + Business Media, 1995
Listen to your children; it increases their self-worth. [27] X Research source Handbook of Positive Psychology. Snyder, CR and SJ Lopez, eds. Oxford UP, 2002. It can be easy to “tune-out” a child who talks a lot, not really listening to what he/she is saying. However, if you really listen to him/her and interact with him/her by asking him/her follow-up questions and responding to his/her words, he/she will feel that you value what he/she has to say. Teach children in a non-aggressive way (without hitting, yelling, or shaming) to stabilize their feelings of self-worth. [28] X Research source Handbook of Positive Psychology. Snyder, CR and SJ Lopez, eds. Oxford UP, 2002. For example, if your child hits another child, you can pull him/her to the side and calmly tell him that he/she shouldn’t hit other children because it can hurt them. If necessary, you can have him/her take a short break to breathe and collect himself/herself before returning to play. Offer children warmth, affection, support, and respect without judgment to make children feel worthy of love and acceptance. [29] X Research source Handbook of Positive Psychology. Snyder, CR and SJ Lopez, eds. Oxford UP, 2002. If your child tells you that he/she is sad about something that seems silly to you (like the sun going down), do not dismiss his/her feelings. Acknowledge his/her feelings by saying, “I understand that you are sad that the sun went down. Then do your best to explain why the situation cannot be changed by saying something like, “The sun has to go down every night because the world is turning and the people on the other side of the Earth need to get sunshine too. It also gives us the opportunity to rest and get ready for the next day. " Finally, offer a hug or other physical affection to comfort your child and help him/her feel that you empathize with him/her, even if you cannot change the situation.
You can empower yourself to let such negativity roll off of you without allowing it to change your feelings of self-worth.
