Thus, unconditional love means loving another in their essence, as they are, no matter what they do or fail to do. [1] X Research source People with children usually seem to understand this notion best of all. It is also learned and practiced. You must choose to love unconditionally. [2] X Research source Parents might counter that they had no choice but to love their children from the moment they laid eyes on them, but that initial flush of attachment is, perhaps imperceptibly, replaced by an ongoing decision to love the child regardless of circumstances.
Such a state of love is (or at least should be) temporary, and needs to be replaced by a longer-term, “eyes wide open” type of love if the love is to last. To love someone without conditions you need to be aware of the conditions, good and bad. “Unconditional Love is not the case of being blinded by love but rather the resolution that nothing is more important than love. " - Talidari
However, love is not the same thing as a relationship. Relationships are conditional, a “working partnership. ” An unconditional relationship is a recipe for one-sided domination. [5] X Research source Thus, a relationship can end because the partnership does not function properly, and yet unconditional love toward the other person can remain. Sometimes ending a relationship can be the way to love unconditionally.
Unconditional love is the choice to strive for the well-being of another. The feeling you derive from acting with love is your reward, the return you “get” from your own action. To love unconditionally is to act with love under all conditions. If you have to do something, or be a certain way, in order to receive love, that love is conditional. If it is given to you freely and without reservation, it is unconditional.
You must be able to recognize, accept, and forgive your own imperfections in order to do the same for someone else. [6] X Research source If you cannot deem yourself worthy of being loved unconditionally, you’ll never truly be able to deem yourself worthy of offering it. [7] X Research source
Unconditional love is a new decision you need to make in every situation, not a hard and fast rule you can apply to everyone all the time. For instance, if you have two friends dealing with the loss of a loved one, being the shoulder to cry on and engaging in long talks may be the loving choice for one, while granting some distance and silence may be so for the other. If you aren’t sure what is the best way to help someone, you can ask them “How can I help you with this right now?”
In religious terms, you’ll hear the phrase “hate the sin, love the sinner. ” Loving someone unconditionally does not mean liking every action they take or choice they make; it means not letting such things interfere with your desire for the best for that person in all things. [9] X Research source If someone you love says something hurtful in anger, the loving choice is usually to let them know those words hurt you, but also to forgive their indiscretion. Help them to grow and yet know that they are loved. But don’t mistake being willing to forgive for letting people walk all over you. Extricating yourself from an environment in which you are repeatedly mistreated or taken advantage of can be a loving choice for both yourself and the other person.
Don’t lie to “protect” the feelings of someone you love; support them in dealing with their feelings in the face of pain. For example, lying about a dire financial situation to spare pain is likely to foster more pain and distrust in the long run. Instead, be honest, supportive, and eager to work together to find solutions.
So, not “I don’t care what you decide [because your well-being is irrelevant to me];” but instead “I don’t care what you decide [because I just love you regardless of your choices and actions]. ” You don’t love in return for actions that make you happy; you derive happiness from the act of loving unconditionally.
Unconditional love is about acceptance—about not expecting others to make you happy through their choices and how they live. You can’t control others, only yourself. Your brother may be notorious for his bad choices, but that should have no bearing upon your love for him. Don’t love because of how someone lives, but simply because they live.
