I am a loving person. I am a strong mother. I am a talented painter. I am a creative problem solver.
My father’s death was hard on our family, but I am proud that I was able to help support my mother through the hardship. I made a goal to run a half-marathon, and after 6 months of training, I crossed the finish line! After losing my job, it was difficult to adjust and to pay the bills, but I learned a great deal about my own strength and I am in a better place now.
I’ll never be able to do anything right. I’m always taking others’ comments the wrong way; something must be wrong with me. I’m too fat. I’m horrible at making decisions.
For example, if your mother always criticized your looks, you may not be very confident about your looks now. But understand that her criticisms were rooted in her own insecurities. Once you realize this, you can start to rethink your confidence about your looks.
Is this a kind thought? Does this thought make me feel good? Would I say this thought to a friend or loved one? If these answers are no, then you know that your inner critic is speaking again.
For example, if you catch yourself saying, “I’m unintelligent,” change the thought into a kind statement: “Although I may not know this topic, I am intelligent in other ways and that is okay. ” Remind yourself of your strengths: “We are not all talented in the same things. I know that my talent or expertise is in another area, and I am proud of that. ” Remind your inner critic that the negative statement is not true. “Okay, inner critic, I know you are used to saying that I am not intelligent, but it’s not true. I am learning that I have the strength of intelligence in important and specific ways. ” Be sure to always be kind to your inner critic. Remind and teach yourself, because you are still learning to alter your thoughts about yourself.
For example, you might want to lose weight. First, start with a self-acceptance statement about your current body weight: “Even though I want to lose weight, I am beautiful and I feel good just as I am. ” Then, frame your self-improvement in positive, productive terms. Instead of thinking, “I am not the ideal body shape, and when I lose 20 pounds I will be beautiful and feel good,” you can say, “I would like to lose 20 pounds so that I am healthier and I have more energy. ”
For example, if you say, “I am so lazy. I didn’t even clean the kitchen today,” change your expectations to say, “I made dinner for the entire family. I can get the kids to help clean the kitchen tomorrow after breakfast. ”
I am able to get through tough times; I am stronger than I think. I am not perfect and make mistakes, and that is okay. I am a kind and thoughtful daughter. Take a compassion break. If you are having a tough day accepting a particular part of yourself, take a moment and be kind to build self-compassion. Acknowledge that your judgement of yourself causes pain and that self-judgment can be overly harsh. Remind yourself to be kind and practice self-affirmation. [9] X Research source For example: If you think, “I am not the ideal body shape; I am fat,” acknowledge that these thoughts are unkind to yourself: “These are unkind thoughts and I would not say them to a friend. They make me feel down and worthless. ” Say something kind: “My body may not be perfect, but it is mine and it is healthy and it allows me to do things I love like playing with my children. ”
Sometimes we are unkind to ourselves by carrying around guilt. Take special notice of the guilt you may have. Try to evaluate if there were external factors involved in the situation. Sometimes events are out of our control, yet we hold on to those feelings of guilt. Evaluate if the actions were truly out of your control and resolve to forgive in abundance. To help you practice self-forgiveness, the exercise of writing a letter can be a powerful emotional and cognitive tool to start the process. [10] X Research source Write a letter addressed to your younger or past-self, and use a kind, loving tone. Remind your younger self (inner critic) that you may have made mistakes. But you know you are not perfect, and that is okay. Our mistakes often offer valuable learning opportunities. Remind yourself that how you acted or what you did may have been all you knew how to do in that moment.
Unkind thought/inner critic: I was horrible to my family when I was in my 20s. I am so ashamed I acted that way. Gratitude statement: I am grateful that I learned about behavior at that age, because it has been helpful in raising my own children. Unkind thought/inner critic: I tore apart my family because I could not stop drinking. Gratitude statement: I am grateful that I can mend relationships and try again in the future.
For example, if your boss is always criticizing your work, you can say, “I feel like I don’t get enough support with my project. I want to do good work, but I feel that it’s hard to please you. Let’s work on a solution that will work for both of us. ”
