If your mom doesn’t realize you are angry, and keeps trying to talk to you or ask you to do something, tell her you need to go to the bathroom, and use that as an excuse to calm down for a few minutes. Splash some water on your face, and just give yourself a few minutes to be alone.
By pointing this out, your mom will understand that you are saying something that you feel you need to get off your chest, and it will sound less like you are just trying to start a fight. Hopefully, she will also not feel that she needs to react defensively.
Keep yourself open to hearing what she has to say, and when you speak, keep your voice even. If you start to get upset again, do your best to not raise your voice, as this will only add stress and tension to the situation.
For example, if your mom made you angry because she lectured you about getting good grades in front of your friends, then say, “I feel hurt and embarrassed when you talk to me about my grades in front of my friends. ” Don’t say, “You were trying to make me feel stupid when you lectured me about my grades in front of my friends. Why did you do that?!” This makes it sound like she meant to make you feel embarrassed. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn’t, but accusing her will not improve the situation.
You can do this by saying, “I know you probably didn’t mean to embarrass me, but why did you decide to lecture me just then? Was it something I said?” This way you can understand what triggered the behavior in the first place, and hopefully do your part to avoid it in the future. Listen without interrupting. Give her a chance to say everything she wants to say so that you can respond to everything she has said, if need be.
Remember to keep things in terms of, “I feel…”, don’t revert back to accusing your mom. She loves you very much, and although she may not be perfect, it is highly unlikely she ever wants to do anything to hurt you.
Listen openly to her suggestions, too. Sometimes mom really does know best, and she may have ideas that you hadn’t thought of.
Try to spend some time together doing something you both enjoy. Go for a walk, have a coffee, go see a movie. Find time to talk about things going on in your life. Your mom is probably interested in how things are going for you, so share those things. Let her share with you, too.
Give her a hug, and tell her not to worry. Tell her you are glad that you were able to work everything out with her.
Be sure to include everything you would have included if you talked with her. Ask her why she did or said what she said. Remind her that you love her, and that you want to work through the problem together with her. In the letter, if you are open to talking with her, tell her that. Explain that you want to have a conversation where your feelings are also respected. You could also suggest that if she does not want to talk with you about it that she can write back to you, and you can talk about it that way. Writing a letter has the advantage that you can get everything out on paper exactly the way you want to say it. It also gives your mom a bit of time to process what you have said, so hopefully she won’t feel the need to react defensively.
Again, do exactly as you would in a face-to-face conversation. Be firm and respectful, and use “I feel…” language. Avoid making a video where you raise your voice angrily. It is alright to record a video like this in order to get all your feelings out, but don’t send that version to your mom. It will be more effective if you are able to speak calmly and respectfully.
In this conversation, it is important to keep all the same elements of a direct conversation with your mom. Be respectful, and don’t trash talk your mom. Don’t accuse her, but stick to “I feel…” language. Listen to their advice and don’t expect them to resolve the problem entirely. They may be able to help you, but ultimately you and your mom will have to find a way to figure things out together, or your relationship may become very damaged.
This will help you begin to see things more rationally.
Understand that your mom may become very worried when you say this, especially if you she doesn’t realize that she has made you mad. Try to reassure her that everything will be fine, and that you only need a bit of space.
Remember that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that when we feel anger, we are likely protecting ourselves from a more vulnerable, primary emotion such as fear, sadness, or anxiety. Think about how what your mom said or did really made you feel? Did it make you fear that you will always have to work very hard for her approval? That is actually fear that you were feeling.
Think about a time where she really went out of her way to make you happy. Maybe she threw you a nice birthday party, or took you and your friends out for ice cream. Remember that she did those things only to see you happy.
This will also give you an outlet if what you really want to do is say something mean to your mom. If this is the case, write down all of the mean things you want to say, then tear it up and throw it away. This may help keep you from saying something that will really hurt your mom. Remember to tear up the paper into unreadable bits though! You don’t want your mom to find it, as she might feel really hurt by what you’ve written.
