We all have ideas, thanks to society and the media, about what we “should” do and who we “should” be. You need to let go of these beliefs and, indeed, try to avoid putting stock in the word “should”. “Should” statements imply that there is something you ought to be doing or thinking and that if you’re not, something is wrong with you. [5] X Research source Holding yourself up to impossibly high standards that you can never meet will only create a vicious cycle of shame and low self-esteem. [6] X Research source
In general, people tend to ruminate more over something that happened to them in a social context, such as a public presentation or performance, rather than a private experience, like a fight with a spouse. In part, this is because we care deeply about the opinions of others and worry especially that we have embarrassed or shamed ourselves in view of others. This causes us to dwell and get stuck in self-shaming and negative thinking. Remember that rumination is easy to fall into, but doesn’t actually solve anything or make the situation better. In fact, it can make everything worse. [9] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
Try journaling. When you feel the urge to ruminate, instead write a compassionate paragraph to yourself that expresses awareness of your feelings but also recognizes that you are simply human and that you are deserving of love and support. Even just 10 minutes of this expression of self-compassion can make a positive difference. [13] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. [14] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Develop a mantra or habit that you can draw on when you feel a dwelling spiral about to happen. Try putting your hand on your heart and saying, “May I be safe and kind to myself. May I have ease of both mind and heart. " In this way, you are expressing true care and concern for yourself. [15] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
Change and transformation is always possible. This is one of the beautiful things about the human condition. You’re aren’t beholden to your past for all eternity. Remember that life is about the long haul, and that you can always bounce back from a tough period.
Be more open, generous, and flexible about the world and try to refrain from passing judgement on others. Cultivating a more open attitude about how we view society and the people within it often reverberates back into how we think of ourselves. Over time, you may be willing to let go of some of those rigid judgments that result in feelings of low self-esteem and shame.
Consider the negative statements of others to be 10 pound weights. These weigh you down and it becomes more difficult to bring yourself back up. Free yourself from that burden and remember that people cannot define who you are as a person. Only you can define who you are.
The principle of mindfulness is that you need to acknowledge and experience the shame before you can let it go. Mindfulness is not easy because it means becoming aware of the negative self-talk that often accompanies shame, like self-condemnations, comparisons with others, etc. However, the task is to acknowledge and recognize shame without getting caught up in or giving power to those emotions that arise. [20] X Research source Try to find a quiet space to practice mindfulness. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing. Count the inhales and exhales. Inevitably, your mind will wander. When this happens, don’t chastise yourself but take note of what you are feeling. Don’t judge it; just be aware of it. Try to bring attention back to your breath, as this is the real work of mindfulness. [21] X Research source By acknowledging but de-centering your thoughts and not letting them take over, you are learning how to cope with negative feelings without actually trying to change them. In other words, you are changing your relationship to your thoughts and feelings. Some people have found that in doing this, eventually the content of your thoughts and emotions changes (for the better) too. [22] X Research source
You will have to accept that you cannot change the past or go back in time. You have to accept yourself as you are today, right now. Acceptance also involves acknowledging difficulty and showing awareness that you are able to withstand painful feelings in the present moment. For example, say, “I know I feel bad now, but I can accept it because I know emotions come and go, and I can work to resolve my feelings. "
Consider writing down your achievements, positive attributes or things you like about yourself, and the ways in which you have helped others. [25] X Research source You can write in a freestyle manner or create a list of different categories. See this exercise as never-ending; always add to the list as you do new things, such as graduate from school, rescue a puppy, or win an award. Also drawn attention to things that make you happy with yourself; maybe you like your smile or like that you are goal-directed. Return to your list whenever you have doubts or feel that you are not measuring up. Recalling all of the things that you have done and continue to do will help you build a more positive self-image.
As a bonus, helping others makes us happier! In addition, you will also be making a real difference in someone’s world. Not only will you be happier, but someone else might also be as well. There are so many opportunities out there to get involved with others and make a difference. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Offer to coach a children’s sports team during the summer. Step in when a friend needs a hand and make them a bunch of meals to freeze. Volunteer at your local animal shelter.
“I am a good person. I deserve the best even if I have done some questionable things in my past. " “I make mistakes and I learn from them. " “I have lots to offer the world. I have value to myself and to others. "
For example, “I am 17 years old” is a fact. You were born 17 years ago and have the birth certificate to prove it. There is no challenging that fact. However, “I’m stupid for my age” is an opinion, even if you might seem to offer evidence confirming this, like not being able to drive or not having a job. However, if you think more carefully about this opinion, you can evaluate it more critically. Maybe you can’t drive because your parents work too much and haven’t had time to teach you or you can’t afford driving lessons. Maybe you don’t have a job because you spend your after-school time looking after your siblings. Thinking more carefully about the opinions you hold will help you realize that negative opinions can often be reevaluated with a closer look at the details.
Focus on highlighting your individuality and those neat things that make you you, rather than hiding behind a veil of social conformity. Maybe you like mixing quirky clothes and patterns together in your self-presentation. Maybe you have a passion for Europop. Maybe you’re really skilled at building things with your hands. Embrace these aspects of yourself, rather than try to hide them; you might be surprised (and impressed!) at what kind of innovations can come from honing in on your particular skills and thoughts. After all, Alan Turing, Steve Jobs, and Thomas Edison, were all individuals whose uniqueness helped foster their exceptional discoveries and contributions. Nowhere is it written that you HAVE to look like everyone else, be interested in the same hobbies, or follow the same life trajectory. Not everyone, for example, actually has to follow current fashion or music trends, or settle down by the time they’re 30 and get married and have kids. These are just things that the media and society promote, but are not in fact real-existing truisms. Do what you feel is best for you and what makes you feel good. Remember that the only person who has to feel good about you is you. You have to live with yourself, so follow the beat of your own drum and not anyone else’s.
Research has consistently shown a correlation between perceived social support and self-esteem, such that when people believe they have social support, their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth increase. Thus, if you feel supported by the people around you, you should feel better about yourself and better able to cope with negative feelings and stress. [29] X Research source Know that when it comes to social support, there is no one-size-fits-all mentality. Some people prefer to have just a few close friends whom they can turn to, while others cast a wider net and find support among their neighbors or church or religious community. [30] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Look for people you trust and who maintain a personal code of confidentiality. Remember, you don’t want to rely on someone who may actually make you feel worse about yourself, even if this person doesn’t really intend to do so. [31] X Research source Social support can also take new forms in our modern age. If you feel anxiety about having to talk to someone face-to-face, you can also stay connected with family and friends or meet new people via social media, video chats, and email. [32] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
In many cases, a therapist can help you develop useful strategies to improve your self-image. Remember sometimes people just can’t fix everything on their own. Moreover, therapy has been shown to have a significant effect on raising self-esteem and quality of life. [33] X Research source [34] X Research source In addition, a therapist can help you cope with any other mental health issues that you may be facing as a cause or consequence of your shame and low self-esteem, including depression and anxiety. Know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of personal failure or weakness. [35] X Research source
