If you never say “No,” this can have negative consequences. You can enable someone who relies too much on you for favors. You can also burn out on your own end and lose focus. If you say “No” too often, you may miss out on things that may be good for you. If you’re overcommitted doing things you don’t want to do, you won’t have much time left for yourself. Make time for the things you really enjoy rather than saying “Yes” as a knee-jerk response. If you, say, agreed to help a friend move all weekend, you may have to turn down an invitation to go on a weekend hiking trip with another group of friends.
Consider what you are reasonably able to do, and what you actually enjoy doing. You can say “No” to things that drain you or distract you. You can set specific boundaries regarding what you will and will not agree to do. For example, maybe you value solitude. You can set a boundary that you won’t go out two nights each weekend. You can use this boundary as a reason for saying “No. " For instance, “I would love to go out with you Saturday, but I have plans Friday. I never go out two nights in a row because I get too tired. " You can also set boundaries in regards to personal commitments. You can, for example, have a rule that you only volunteer for two charity events per month if this is reasonable for you given your schedule.
People may try to guilt you into doing something to reciprocate a favor. Remember, just because someone did you a favor does not mean you owe them. Friends do not keep score. People may also ask twice. If you say “No” to one thing, they may try to get you to agree to a smaller commitment or favor. Remember to be firm. Keep saying “No. " A person may also try to get you to do something by comparing you to other people. They may say another person agreed to help. You are not another person. You do not have to do something simply because someone else did.
Saying “I’ll think about it” will usually get the person off your back. This will give you time to genuinely consider your response. After agreeing to think something over, you can decide later whether or not you agree. If you decide against doing something, you can give a firm “No” later. For example, a friend asks if you’ll watch her cat over the holiday weekend. Say, “I have to look over my schedule. Let me think about it. "
For example, “I’m glad you feel comfortable asking me to watch Bella. It means a lot knowing that you trust me with your cat because I know how much you care about her. "
For example, “I just don’t really have the time to run back and forth from your place this weekend. I already have a lot of plans with family. "
For example, “Again, I’m glad to know you trust me with Bella. Good luck finding someone else to watch her. "
Maybe you’re a people pleaser by nature. You may not want to upset other people. You may also avoid confrontation. Even a small confrontation may be stressful for you. You may also worry about making people angry. You may irrationally feel people will not like you if you say “No. "
For example, if a friend invites you to see a concert with him or her and you simply don’t like live music, then say so. Try saying, “No thanks. I am not a fan of live music, so I am going to sit this one out. ” Or, if someone invites you out on a night when you just don’t feel like going anywhere, then try saying, “You know, I really don’t feel like coming out tonight, maybe another time. "
Boundaries are a projection of who you are. Therefore, there is no inherent value in boundaries. Your boundaries are not better or worse than another person’s. Never compare your boundaries to someone else’s. You may, for example, feel guilty that a co-worker is more eager to go to noisy bars for work parties. This is simply off limits to you. Your co-worker may be more extroverted or less shy than you. This is okay. It’s okay for you to say “No” to such events, even if others don’t, as they violate your personal boundaries.
Focus on how good you feel. If you said “No” to something potentially draining or stressful, you should feel relieved. Prioritize your positive feelings about saying “No. " Try to push out feelings of guilt.
Writing a list of your strengths. Using positive self-talk to encourage yourself. Exploring your interests and making time for yourself. Avoiding comparing yourself to other people. Setting realistic goals for yourself.
