Expressions of contempt might be insulting statements, such as “You’re a loser,” “You disgust me,” or “You never do anything right. ” Sarcasm and hostile humor are also signs of contempt. [3] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. Signs of contempt can also be nonverbal. You or your spouse might sneer or scoff when the other enters the room, or you might roll your eyes when the other one speaks. [4] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. If you believe you or your spouse hold strong contempt for the other, it might be time to part ways. If you’re both willing to work on your marriage, a marriage counselor could help you create a more respectful environment.
For example, “I feel belittled and ignored when you don’t respond after I ask a question,” addresses an action. “You always stare into space when I’m talking to you. There’s something wrong with you,” is a personal attack.
Think about how often your partner seems to act defensively. Try to notice if either of you seem to constantly say things like “It’s not my fault,” especially without provocation.
Keep in mind it’s okay to delay resolving a conflict until you’ve both calmed down. However, a partner should say, “I’d rather not discuss things right now. I think we both need a little time to cool off,” instead of just ignoring their spouse. Likewise, if you find that you keep failing to resolve things, that could be a sign of a larger issue. Disagreement can encourage growth if you’re able to work through it as a couple, but it can quickly become unhealthy if the same issues persist.
Likewise, it’s important to keep track of how much quality time you spend together and whether you make an effort to make time for one another. In the moment, it can be easy to feel like you fight all the time, but that’s not always true. As a general rule, there should be five positive interactions for each negative interaction. Positive interactions may include hugging or kissing, paying compliments, having a quality conversation, or having dinner together. Keep in mind an emotionally abusive person might offer expensive gifts or treat their partner like royalty most of the time. Forms of abuse, including physical violence, threats of violence, isolation, attempts to humiliate, and demeaning insults are always unacceptable. No positive interaction justifies abusive behavior.
It’s normal to go through rough, stressful periods during which communication suffers. However, try to distinguish between not wanting to talk after a long day because you’re stressed and never wanting to talk to your spouse because you hold contempt for them.
Examples of emotional and physical intimacy include saying “I love you,” paying compliments, expressing appreciation, confiding in your spouse, holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and having sex. Again, dry spells are normal, but there’s a difference between not being intimate because you’re exhausted or stressed and not being intimate because you don’t like your spouse. Other indicators may include selfish behaviors such as one partner spending large amounts of money or making career plans without consulting the other. Breakdowns in communication and intimacy due to contempt or disgust are difficult to overcome, and might be signs that it’s time to go your separate ways.
For example, in your spouse’s column, you might write “Attend to my feelings more, be more intimate, express more love and affection. ” In your column, you might write, “Use kinder language, stop making personal attacks, stop using work as a distraction from my marriage. ” Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic. Do you believe you and your spouse can make these changes? Are you both willing to find a compromise? Keep in mind both partners need to make changes to save a marriage. For instance, even if your spouse was unfaithful, you both need to address the underlying reasons for their infidelity.
Bear in mind everyone daydreams and fantasizes. You shouldn’t rush to end your marriage because you’ve wondered what it’d be like to live a different life. Ask yourself if the thought of separating brings you feel more bliss than the idea of staying together. Do you find yourself fantasizing more frequently and with greater detail? If so, and if there are other warning signs, it’s probably time to part ways or take action to save the marriage.
If you want to stay together because you love your spouse and want to pursue mutual goals, you’ll have a stronger chance of resolving your conflict. Separation and divorce are frightening, but a marriage held together by fear isn’t stable. Your friends and relatives can offer emotional and practical support. It might seem impossible now but, in time, you will get back on your feet.
If your children are the only reason you’re staying with your spouse, ending the marriage might actually be in your kids’ best interest.
Let them know, “Sam and I have been having problems. Sometimes, I think it’s worth trying to work it out. Other times, I’m ready to pack my bags. I’m feeling so jumbled and overwhelmed, and I could use a friend to help me sort this out. ” Bear in mind your loved one probably isn’t a mental health professional, and you shouldn’t make decisions solely based on their opinion. However, putting your feelings into words can bring clarity, and a loved one who knows you well can shed light on your situation.
Mention specific issues, such as, “We don’t treat each other kindly anymore, and I can’t remember the last time we said more than 2 words to each other. We seem to hold resentment for each other, and I don’t think this environment is good for either of us. ”
If you’re willing to try to work things out, you might say, “We both have a lot of work to do, but I’m willing to put forth the effort. Will you consider seeing a counselor and trying to rebuild our connection?” As scary as it is, making yourself vulnerable could be a crucial first step. Your partner might not even know that saving your marriage is important to you.
If you both share the goal of trying to preserve your marriage, you have a stronger chance of reconciling. However, it might be best to part ways if one of you thinks their job, dating other people, or having more independence takes priority over the marriage. Other examples that might underlie your conflict include disagreements regarding where to live, whose career goals are prioritized, and whether or not to have children.
If you’ve been through months or years of counseling without much progress, it might be time to accept that ending the marriage is the best option.
Try saying, “We haven’t been happy for a long time, and I don’t think it’s possible to bridge the gap between us. I’m thankful for the happiness we shared, but going our separate ways is the healthiest decision for both of us. ”
