Does her demeanor change when a particular subject is brought up? Does the change occur when a certain person is around? Does she seem to feel uncomfortable when she is in a specific location? Is there an upcoming event that she does not want to discuss?
Seems to be thinking really hard[1] X Research source Eyes frequently flickering toward an exit[2] X Research source Frequently pauses when giving responses[3] X Research source Changes the subject abruptly Crosses her arms across her chest or protects other vulnerable areas, like her throat[4] X Research source Shares too many details[5] X Research source Leans backward, as if trying to physically distance herself[6] X Research source Stillness of her arms and legs[7] X Research source Lack of emphatic gesturing[8] X Research source Stops using “I” statements and refers to people by names instead of “him” or “her”[9] X Research source Avoids answering questions completely[10] X Research source Clears throat and swallows hard frequently[11] X Research source
If you are in a relationship with her, then perhaps she is hiding that she is cheating or that she picked up a bad habit she promised she quit, like smoking. Or, if she is a friend, maybe she is hiding something that was said about you behind your back. There is always the chance that she is hiding something positive, like a surprise gift or party. It is important to give her the benefit of the doubt. [12] X Research source
Include anything strange about her behavior, including things she has said, ways she has acted, and odd behaviors she has displayed. Note your observations about what topics or people seem to trigger these changes in her demeanor.
Avoid letting on that you want to talk to her about her secretive behavior, if you are making plans in advance. This will likely cause her to decline your invitation and make it harder for you to talk to her to find out what is going on.
However, this does not mean that you should be evasive or vague about what you are getting at. You need to be clear and straightforward about her secrecy so that she fully understands the conversation. “I get the feeling lately that you’re keeping something from me. My relationship with you is important to me, so I’d like to talk about it. ” “You’ve had some interesting reactions to comments I’ve made lately. I don’t want to offend you, but it seems like you might be keeping a secret. Can we talk about it?” “I’ve noticed recently that you’ve been extremely nervous most of the time I’ve been around you. Is something going on that you would like to talk about?”
“I’ve noticed lately that when Bryan is around, you become distant and closed-off. I’m wondering what has happened to bring on this change in you toward him? I’m here to help you. ” “Recently, you’ve become a little secretive when we talk about our plans with other people. I’m concerned, and I want to know if there’s something that you need to tell me. ” “The last time that we were in Mrs. Smith’s class, you seemed really jumpy and fidgety. I’m here for you, if you want to talk about what happened to cause that. ” “You told me the other night that you stayed in and read a book until you fell asleep, but Stacy said that the two of you went out dancing. I’m hurt that you lied to me, and I’m wondering why you felt the need to do that. ”
If she continues to withhold what is really going on, then you need to consider the value of this friendship or relationship. What does it say about your relationship with her if she will not tell you the truth? “I heard you say that. . . ” “I understand that you feel. . . ” “I appreciate that you agreed to talk about this with me, but I get the sense that you’re still not being completely honest. Can you share the whole truth with me?” “I’m really glad that we’re getting the opportunity to talk about this. However, it seems like you have more you want to say but haven’t yet. Go ahead and share. ”
Consider her reasons for hiding it from you and the validity of those reasons. Should she have been honest with you from the beginning, or is her secrecy understandable? Evaluate the relationship, whether it was right of her to hide information from you, and what can be done to repair any hurt that was caused.
