Controlling tendencies may not always be so obvious on a day-to-day basis, especially when it’s exuded from close contacts, such as a partner.
Here, experts highlight some of the telling signs of a controlling partner and what you can do about it.
What Causes a Person to Be Controlling?
Ramani Durvasula—a clinical psychologist who has appeared with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith on the Red Table Talk show, as well as with Kendall Jenner on Vogue’s YouTube channel—told Newsweek that controlling behavior is often rooted in “insecurity—the need for dominance is an offset to insecurity.”
It can be congruent with certain personality patterns, mostly narcissistic or psychopathic styles, she added.
Lisa Gordon, a therapist from the Family Institute at Northwestern University in Illinois, told Newsweek: “Sometimes a person’s family role or prior history contributes to an expectation to take up more space or count one’s own wants and needs as more important than those of other group members.”
When a person feels “wholly out of control”—such as during a pandemic, a terminal illness or a workplace transition—they might try to exert control in other areas, perhaps by micromanaging others, she explained.
Heather Lofton, also a therapist at Northwestern’s Family Institute, told Newsweek: “There are few researched root causes for a controlling partner.”
However, she added that early childhood trauma (abandonment, neglect or abuse), along with mental health, personality, and interpersonal health constraints, have been linked to the development of a controlling partner.
A controlling partner is often unaware that they are controlling, Lofton said, “as the behaviors are influenced by core fundamental needs that have not been met in the past.”
This results in fear or anxiety and “therefore the partner develops a pattern of demanding their needs in controlling ways later in life.”
What Are Some Signs of a Controlling Partner?
Different families and cultures have different norms for “how much control certain family roles have,” Gordon said, “so I don’t think there can be one definition for controlling.”
“The telltale sign that your partner is controlling is whether you feel controlled,” she added. In this situation, you might feel resentful, stuck, burdened, marginalized or voiceless.
Lofton pointed to research that has highlighted a “common behavior of isolating a partner from their direct system”—family, friends and close community—in an"effort to gain greater control over who their partner has access to and can communicate with."
She added that it’s important to recognize your partner is being controlling when you find yourself feeling guilt-tripped or “coerced into situations that only have your partner’s interest at the forefront.”
Durvasula listed some other signs:
Very frequent texting or calling and anger or frustration when you do not respond quickly enoughContinually asking about your whereaboutsAsking that you dress or present yourself to the world in a certain wayWanting to attend every event or activity you’re involved in, including a night out with friendsInsisting on driving you to and from work or school, even if you have already arranged transportationDropping by work or school without telling you first as a “surprise"Being overly inquisitive about who is on your social media feeds and very suspicious without causeOffering to buy you a phone, tablet, computer or car—and use that as a way to track your whereabouts or your search history.
When Does Controlling Behavior Cross Over Into Abuse?
Gretchen Shaw, deputy director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, told Newsweek that “coercive control” tactics are abusive behaviors that “do not involve physical (contact) abuse and are harder to both explain and prove.”
These tactics can come in the form of psychological, emotional, verbal or financial abuse, isolation, threats, manipulation or gaslighting.
Shaw said: “A person’s controlling tendencies can be considered abusive when they are used to gain and maintain power and control over their partner, and those actions [cause] their partner harm.”
She added that a person being controlled by their partner might:
Feel they have to “walk on eggshells” around that personFear being verbally abused or psychologically punished if they go against their partner’s “orders"Fear their partner will act on threats to retaliate if they do not comply, such as “I’ll take the kids,” “I’ll tell your very religious parents that you did XYZ long ago,” or “I’ll bankrupt you if you ever leave”.
How Do I Handle a Controlling Partner?
Durvasula advised treading carefully, particularly as these relationships can “potentially be dangerous situations at the far end of the spectrum.” You should also ensure that your internet searches aren’t being monitored if you are seeking help or advice, she said.
In less severe cases, Durvasula offers these practical tips to handle a controlling person:
Attempt to set boundariesRetain control where you can, such as by having control over your transportation, ensuring you have your own source of income and ideally your own place to liveMaintain friendships outside of the relationshipGet therapy. Seeking therapy can be useful if the control increases over time and becomes more worrying, she said.
Lofton underlined that it is important to seek assistance if you feel uncomfortable or in any way unsafe in your relationship, because “controlling partners will do their best to isolate you.”
To this end, she advised remaining in contact with trustworthy people who can help you to exit the relationship or seeking the help of a couples and family therapist.
“Navigating a controlling partner should never be done alone and it is vital you have awareness of your personal boundaries and relationship ’non-negotiables’ when entering any relationship structure so that you are aware when they have been breached,” Lofton said.
Gordon suggested that you don’t “handle a person who is controlling as much as you handle your reactions to a person who is controlling.” Be clear with yourself about your values and boundaries, and declare: “No, that doesn’t work for me,” she said.
While practicing self-advocacy, if possible, try to also have compassion for the controlling person, “who may be reacting to their own feelings of helplessness and chaos,” Gordon added.
What Laws Are in Place To Protect People?
A number of jurisdictions across the U.S. and worldwide have “codified coercive control” and laws around coercive control vary by state, according to the website of the Battered Women’s Justice Project.
Kristine Lizdas, director of policy initiatives at the BWJP, told Newsweek that many people experience and are devastated by coercive control, but the project believes “the criminal legal system, however, is the wrong tool for addressing this form of abuse.”
Civil legal relief as well as non-legal support, services and advocacy are “more likely to achieve better results and protections for victims,” she said.
The BWJP “does not support the criminalization of coercive control because too many victims of domestic violence will be arrested and prosecuted under these statutes, especially victims from over-policed and over-criminalized communities.”
“Criminal courts do not have the capacity to distinguish the contexts in which similar behaviors?? are used (for example, to protect oneself versus control another person),” she said.
Domestic violence advocates help victims consider the harms and risks posed by their partners’ behaviors and help them “strategize around all the options available to achieve safety and autonomy,” Lizdas added.
Anyone seeking help should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a free and confidential hotline available 24/7 that can be reached on 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224. The Hotline also provides information on local resources. For more information visit thehotline.org.
