You may feel like your boyfriend does not know basic things about you, such as personal boundaries and what you like to do. This may be because he talks over you or dismisses you. Listening is a basic sign of respect. Someone who does not listen to you does not likely respect you. Also consider whether you feel seen. Does your partner acknowledge you when you come into the room or leave, or do they just brush past you?[2] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.
You may find yourself consistently having thoughts like, “I don’t deserve him” or “It’s my fault he yells. I don’t deserve to be treated well. " You do deserve respect. Every human deserve as much. If you consistently feel unworthy of basic aspects of respect (being listened to, being treated with kindness, having your needs met, etc. ) then your boyfriend may be being disrespectful towards you.
Do you feel like you’re not the person you used to be? Do you feel like you’re no longer able to keep up with things like your friends, hobbies, and social life and are just doing the bare minimum? Do you feel like you’re not dealing as well in social interactions? Maybe you’ve been more short tempered or dismissive lately. This is a sign you’re not being respected and lashing out at others.
In a respectful relationship, your boyfriend may say something like, “Could you not text as much while we watch TV? I just like to have you present. " If your boyfriend is being disrespectful, his reaction will be more over the top. Instead of asking nicely that you don’t text during certain times, he will lash out and start lecturing you about your flaws. For example, “This just shows how you can’t concentrate on anything. I think this is why you’ve been having so much trouble at school lately. Your professors are probably as frustrated with you as I am. "
A disrespectful boyfriend may, for example, take major issue with you seeing friends without him. He may berate you and question this decision, saying things like, “Your friends are so boring. Why do you need to see them so much?” While he may not directly forbid you from going, he may do things to make your night difficult. For example, he allows you to see a movie with your friend Maggie, but texts and calls the whole time in the theater. He may also let you grab coffee with a friend, but cold shoulder you when you get home.
In a normal relationship, people compromise on things like taste. You may, for example, go see a movie you don’t really want to see, but then eat dinner at your favorite restaurant afterwards. With a disrespectful boyfriend, everything will be about him. If you try to say “No” or offer a compromise, he simply berates you until he gets his way. For example, he wants to go hiking for your anniversary. You’re not much of a hiker, but propose a short, easy hike as you’ve never gone before. Instead of agreeing, he keeps complaining that he loves long hikes and a short hike will be boring for him until you eventually agree to go on the shorter hike.
Your boyfriend may refuse to apologize for even little things. For example, he’s consistently late but is always making excuses such as “There was traffic” and “I was stressed, so I lost track of time. " He may also make excuses for major aspects of disrespect. For example, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you don’t get the pressure I’ve been under lately. " He may even go as far as to blame you. For example, “I would be more respectful about you seeing your friends if I felt more valued in the relationship. "
When your boyfriend is being difficult, say so in the moment. Calmly let him know what he’s saying is not respectful and you don’t appreciate it. Do this in a calm fashion to avoid escalating the argument. For example, your boyfriend is on your case about you going out with friends from work because he feels these friends are not responsible. Say something like, “I appreciate your concerns, but I know how to stay safe. I’m allowed to have a social life and I need you to respect that. " You also have the right to assert yourself if you feel like your boyfriend is being disrespected in his actions. For instance, if he leaves a big mess around the house and expects you to clean it up, that’s a sign of disrespect. [9] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.
You need to back up your words with behavior. If you want your boyfriend to respect your social life, and he isn’t, show him you won’t tolerate this lack of respect. Say something like, “You’re not listening to me and this isn’t getting us anywhere. I’m going for a walk. " Then, leave for a few hours to give your boyfriend a chance to calm down.
Most people have some areas in their lives they could use to improve. However, this does not mean you don’t deserve love or respect. Just because you’re, say, a little messy does not give your boyfriend the right to yell at or berate you constantly. Remind yourself of of this. Adopt a personal mantra. Try something like, “I matter. I deserve respect. I deserve love. "
